Bottling up emotions can prevent us from processing them and make them harder to handle. But so many of us find it hard to talk about our feelings. We might overthink the process, worry about being judged, or struggle to find the right language.   There’s no right or wrong way to go about sharing how you feel, though.  You could speak to family and friends for support. Or you may find it easier to open up to a professional counsellor or coach. Maybe you have a colleague or line manager you can approach.   Other sources of support may include a religious or spiritual community, teachers, or academic supervisors.   The important thing is that you feel safe and supported by the person you’re opening up to.  Tips to help you open up about your feelings  Communicate in a way you’re comfortable with   If you can't speak face to face, you could try talking on a video or phone call. Or maybe you prefer to write your feelings down in a letter, email, or online chat.  Writing your feelings down provides a space to reflect on, and shape, what you want to say. Writing a letter to yourself, or keeping a journal, are great ways to explore your feelings. They can also help you articulate them when you’re ready to share.   Find the right time and place  When you’re ready to talk, find somewhere comfortable, relatively quiet, and where you’re unlikely to be disturbed or interrupted.   If you’re planning to talk with a colleague, manager, or friend, consider telling them in advance that you want to have a personal and private conversation. They can then prepare to give you enough time and space.   You may also want to discuss any concerns about confidentiality.  Practise what you want to say   What do you want to say? How much do you want to share? Try not to overthink it, but have a vague idea of what you want to cover.   Give your plan some flexibility so that you can adapt to how the conversation naturally unfolds. It can be distressing if you have a rigid plan for the conversation and things don’t go how you wanted.  The trick is to balance knowing what you’d like to say, and leaving room for the other person to speak.   To help you prepare, you could make some brief notes or write points down in a journal. You don’t have to share everything. You’re in control of what you share. Opening phrases like, ‘I haven’t felt like myself lately,’ or ‘I’ve been struggling to cope lately,’ may provide a starting point.  Aim to use language and phrases that are comfortable and relevant to your experiences.   Be honest  It can help someone to understand what you’re experiencing if you describe how your feelings are affecting your life, and what actions they’re prompting you to take (or stopping you from taking).   You might say, ‘I’ve been really anxious lately, and it’s making me withdraw’, or ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work I have on and it’s really affecting my sleep’.   Making connections between how you feel and your behaviours helps people to understand your situation. It may even be something they can relate to.   You may also find it helpful to share how you feel about the emotions you’re experiencing. Perhaps you feel anxious about your low mood, or guilty when you feel happy.  This gives the other person more information about what you’re going through and helps you to better understand what you’re experiencing.  Explain how you feel  Acknowledging how difficult it is for you to talk about your feelings gives the other person a chance to respond in a sensitive and helpful way.   You could say, ‘I find it hard to share what I feel, but I think it would be helpful…’. This might also give you some time and space to settle into the rhythm and tone of the conversation.   If you start to feel uncomfortable, let the other person know and give them the chance to reply.  Suggest things that might help   It can be useful for both of you to share some examples of what you’d find helpful. This might be listening. Or it could be something more practical, like if you’re talking to your manager, you could discuss potential changes to your job and responsibilities.   Start slowly It may take several conversations to explain how you’re feeling. That’s ok. The goal is to express your genuine experiences, and do so in a way that allows you (and whoever you’re talking to) to feel comfortable.   While it isn’t your responsibility to manage how other people respond, it may be beneficial to both of you to allow time for them to process what you’ve told them and return to the conversation later.  Similarly, if the other person’s response upsets you, or they don’t seem willing or able to respond helpfully, the wisest and kindest thing you can do is talk to someone else.   It’s not your job to convince someone to help you. Nor do you have to justify how you feel. Maintaining your boundaries around difficult and sensitive conversations will empower you to support yourself safely.   Cultivate openness without dependence  When you first talk about your emotions, it’s easy to feel dependent on the people you share them with, especially if you only share your experiences with one person.   The goal of disclosing your emotions is for you to manage your feelings so that you can better support yourself. That’s very different from depending solely on others.  Although friends and family can sometimes help you feel less anxious, it’s important that this process empowers you to work through your emotions independently.  Talking about your emotions should be an experience that strengthens the openness and trust you have in relationships, without making others responsible for how you feel.   Be kind to yourself  Whenever you feel uncomfortable, unsure, or guilty about sharing how you feel, ask yourself what you’d say to a loved one dealing with something similar. Apply the same kindness to yourself.   Our emotions affect so many things, from our ability to learn, to how creative we are, to whether we can develop and sustain healthy and reciprocal relationships. So it’s vital we find positive ways to explore and express them.   Talking about our feelings can make us feel vulnerable, but try to see it as investing in yourself. By sharing how you feel with someone supportive and trustworthy, you’ll learn ways to support yourself through life’s ups and downs.   Sharing how you feel with others also gives them permission to share how they’re feeling, too, allowing us each to contribute to a society where we can all be more emotionally authentic.   Article reproduced with the kind permission of CABA, the organisation providing lifelong support to ICAEW members, ACA students and their close family around the world.

Self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself with the same care and kindness as you would a good friend who was going through a difficult and stressful time. 'Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you're good enough, self-compassion asks what's good for you, what do you need?' Kristin Neff Showing compassion to others When we are compassionate to others, we have an intention to be with them through the difficulties they are experiencing and to alleviate their suffering and stress in some way. This can often be very different to the way we treat ourselves through the challenges of life. How often have we provided support for someone we care about and yet end up criticising ourselves endlessly for our various perceived inadequacies or shortcomings. Many of us have been taught to put others first. But neglecting ourselves in order to do this isn't an effective or sustainable long term strategy without considering what we need to keep emotionally well. Maintaining the inner capacity to be there for our family, friends and colleagues is reliant on looking after ourselves well. Self-compassion means you are understanding and kind to yourself when confronted with personal failings and mistakes – after all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect? Why we need to be compassionate towards ourselves Feeling stressed and being hard on ourselves is very common, especially in a culture which is increasingly performance and target focused. Loneliness and isolation are also increasing in our ever digitally focused world. If you are finding it difficult to manage the many challenges, threats and distractions of our modern world, you are not alone. With current figures of one in four people developing a mental health difficulty in any given year and the rising levels of distress within young people, many people are struggling to align life with their deeper values and needs. A self-critical and unkind stance towards yourself when you are going through testing times will only serve to activate the fight or flight stress response, clouding the minds ability to remain calm. Some people may feel reluctant to develop self-compassion as they might feel the notion is self-indulgent or self-pitying. But developing the ability and strength to face and manage our difficulties, without isolating ourselves from others and becoming absorbed in our own pain is the essence of courageous living. Being able to attend to your own difficulties and challenges wisely will enable you to have the spare emotional capacity to engage with others and life in a more helpful way. According to Kristin Neff there are three key elements to compassion: Self-kindness An ability to relate to ourselves with warmth and kindness. Common humanity The appreciation that we all suffer at times and you are not alone in these feelings. Mindful awareness The ability to view our difficulties in a balanced perspective so that we can keep engaging in life. How to develop emotional resilience There has been much interest in the effects of developing compassion within ourselves from a scientific perspective. Research has shown that people who score high on self-compassion: Cope better with adversities Take more personal initiative and responsibility Are less fearful of making mistakes and being rejected Are more emotionally intelligent, happier and more optimistic Take better care of themselves physically and emotionally The good news is that our compassionate self can be developed and enhanced through training and practice so that we become more attuned to supporting ourselves through the difficulties of life rather than sabotaging ourselves and making situations more unmanageable than they need to be. How to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself Be aware of your internal voice Becoming aware of how we talk to ourselves, the tone of voice we use and language we use gives us the opportunity to move from harshness to supportive tendencies. Noticing the good Being able to notice and celebrate moments of the day and our good qualities is an essential part of managing and balancing difficult times. Each day ask yourself: When have I been at my best today for someone else? What has been my best moment of today? Give yourself encouragement It is more effective to become your own internal ally and support system rather than your own harshest critic. Written by: Kirsty Lilley Kirsty has delivered mindfulness and self-compassion courses to a wide variety of workplaces during her career and is also a trained psychotherapist and coach. She has worked at a strategic level within organisations developing wellbeing policies and been responsible for developing training courses on improving mental health and wellbeing. Kirsty is committed to an integrated and compassionate approach when helping others to fulfil their potential. Article reproduced with the kind permission of CABA, the organisation providing lifelong support to ICAEW members, ACA students and their close family around the world.

"I look back on her teenage years as being the loveliest stage of her childhood" said no parent, ever. Living with teenagers can be stressful, exhausting, sometimes fulfilling and certainly unpredictable. Here’s some thoughts on how to help your child transition to a happy and healthy young adult, whilst keeping your own professional and personal life on track. These are based on my own experience and feedback from other parents. Remember you are the expert on what’s right for you and your family, these are only ideas. Be a role model for a happy, healthy and meaningful life Teenagers don’t appear to listen to what we say, but they certainly copy what we do. Pay attention to your own diet, exercise, sleeping habits, alcohol consumption, over-work and other life style choices. That includes letting them observe you having fun and making time for things you enjoy, as well as working and being a parent. It’s not selfish to have outside interests and let your children see that life is for living. Don’t pretend to be a clean-living paragon when you are not. It’s much better for them to see you balance a few days of healthier living to make up for a period of excess, whether through work or play. That’s real life. Turn off the digital devices Teenagers are notoriously critical of their parents so don’t make it easy for them to call you out on double-standards. You can’t expect them to make conversation with you if you are checking your own emails at the dinner table. Try to make some family rules about screen time and stick to them Talk, don’t bottle up your emotions It’s normal to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and tired from time to time. It’s also normal to feel frustrated or angry with your teenager sometimes too. Reach out to people who will support you. At work, advice and feedback is usually helpful. In our personal lives, you don’t necessarily need advice, just someone to listen to you non-judgementally. It’s ok for your teenagers to see that you can feel vulnerable or overwhelmed from time to time. They will learn how to deal with stressful situations from observing how you cope. Avoid comparisons Other people’s children may appear to be coping much better than yours, and other parents appear to be managing their life and career better also. That may be true, or it may not be. Surround yourself with a supportive network and don’t judge your own family life or other people. Life is a marathon not a sprint. If your children are facing difficulties now, then they will learn from their mistakes and build resilience. Don’t beat yourself or them up for not being perfect. You may even have to relax your high standards – maybe one relaxed, home-cooked meal with all the family round the table each week is enough to aim for? Create an easy space to talk As teens become increasingly independent they often spend more time with their friends than their family. This can feel like a rejection. Try and keep the lines of communication open. It is essential to invest your energy in maintaining a good relationship, even when they have trouble communicating. Talk to them about what you are up to, and perhaps they’ll reciprocate. Find the best time to get them to open up. Many parents say that their teens talk to them when they are taxi-ing them around. If your children are more relaxed in the early evening, then grab a cup of tea and chat to them when you get home, rather than rushing to do chores or doing work. Ditch the guilt Some days you simply have to put your professional life first to cope with the demands facing you. That’s modern life and that’s how you pay the bills. Don’t beat yourself up about it. They’ll respect you for your achievements, even if they don’t show it right now. No one says it is easy to balance work and family life. Smaller children are tiring but they are easier to control than stroppy teenagers. It’s hard for many of us to let go, particularly when we are usually in the driving seat in our personal and professional lives. Pick your battles carefully. Like all childhood phases, this won’t last for ever. Written by: Zena Everett, Executive Coach. Article reproduced with the kind permission of CABA, the organisation providing lifelong support to ICAEW members, ACA students and their close family around the world.

We all get stressed from time to time. A certain amount of stress can be useful but if you feel constantly overwhelmed this can lead to health problems. This article will look at the causes of stress and provide some tips on how to increase your resilience. You probably know the feeling of being stressed out all too well. Your breathing quickens, your heart starts to pound, your mouth feels dry, your muscles feel tense, your hands feel cold yet sweaty. Situations we find stressful can vary widely from person to person as some of us are more susceptible to the effects of stress than others. These situations trigger the release of stress hormones that are responsible for the way you feel when stressed. This is called the stress response, or the fight or-flight response. Survival mechanism The term fight or flight was first used by American physiologist Walter Bradford Cannon back in the early 1900s. It describes the body's automatic response to danger which is thought to have evolved as a way of helping humans react quickly to life-threatening situations. This response is triggered so fast you won't have time to think about it. Here's how it works: Step 1 In the presence of danger, the eyes and/or ears send information to the area of the brain involved in emotional processing, called the amygdala. The amygdala sends a distress signal to a tiny area at the base of the brain called the hypothalamus, which communicates with the body via the nervous system. Step 2 The hypothalamus activates the part of the nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system. This then sends signals to the adrenal glands, which respond by producing hormones including adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol into the bloodstream. As these hormones circulate through the body they bring about a range of physiological changes, such as: Faster heart rate Increase in blood pressure Faster breathing rate Increase in mental alertness Decreased saliva production Increased sweating Sharpening of senses such as sight and hearing Increased energy (caused by the release of sugars and fats into the muscles) Reduced urination Step 3 If the brain perceives the threat as ongoing the hypothalamus releases more hormones. These act on the adrenal glands, making them release more cortisol and leaving the body in a continued high state of alertness. Step 4 When the brain perceives the threat as having passed, cortisol levels fall and the hypothalamus activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which dampens the stress response.  Long-term effects Though the threats we encounter these days are usually very different from those faced by our prehistoric ancestors, the stress response is still useful as it boosts our awareness in stressful situations and helps us cope with emergencies. If your fight-or-flight response is triggered too often and for too long, the constant release of stress hormones in your body can lead to one or more of the health problems associated with chronic stress. These include digestive issues, impaired resistance to colds and other infections, heart disease, sleep difficulties, weight gain, anxiety and depression. While it's unlikely you'll be able to remove stress from your life entirely, there are steps you can take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing. Try to make your lifestyle as healthy as possible by: Eating well Eat a healthy balanced diet. Have at least five portions of fruit and vegetables every day and try to limit how much sugar you eat. Sleeping well Getting a good night's sleep (read our tips for a better night's sleep for pointers). Learning how to relax Try yoga, meditation, deep breathing or whatever helps you feel calm. Move more Taking regular exercise can help reduce the build-up of stress hormones in the body. Improve your resilience Increasing your resilience can help you to cope with stressful situations. Learn how to be more resilient by reading our article 5 ways to boost your resilience Article reproduced with the kind permission of CABA, the organisation providing lifelong support to ICAEW members, ACA students and their close family around the world.

Sometimes, the hardest part of networking isn’t the meet-and-greets, but the follow-up. Jean Evans gives us her five top tips on how to maintain and nurture your network. Many people confidently attend networking events and meetings but falter on the follow-up. And as we all know, it’s all in the follow-up. That’s where the magic happens. Why you should nurture your network Building relationships take time, effort, energy and intention. Importantly, your relationships must be built and developed strategically on a foundation of authenticity. You must have done this before having an ‘ask’, like looking to someone for help, an introduction or a connection. You have to be intentional and focused about the follow-up. Know how much time and effort you can put into the process, and how best you can nurture relationships with the people in your network. Here are a few pointers to help nurture your network. 1. Keep a pad and pen handy I never leave home without a little notebook and pen. I never know when I might meet someone or come across a piece of information, a useful podcast, an article, or something I can share. The pen and paper are for writing down any useful information obtained, and the person to whom I want to pass this valuable information on to. Alternatively, there are loads of opportunities to find interesting bits and pieces others might value on social media platforms. If you come across an image, article or even an appropriate meme you think could be good, screenshot it and send it on to them. 2. One-to-ones Get to know people in your network on a more personal basis. This is imperative if you want to move the needle on the relationship. This can be done in person (best option), digitally, or by phone. However you do it, the key is taking the time to really connect with the other person. 3. Broker introductions Two people may be in the same network and not know each other yet, but you think these remarkable people should get to know each other. Share the love (and they’ll surely share it with you)!  If you hear of someone who is looking to hire, needs a job or is looking to source a supplier, and you know the perfect person, make a introduction by sending a friendly email to both, highlighting their expertise and suggesting they connect to move forward. You can also separately discuss the connection with the concerned party and assess if it’s appropriate in terms of need, fit for time, etc., before making an introduction. 4. Send a letter or message I have a stash of thank-you cards and notelets, and I also keep a roll of stamps to hand. Write a handwritten note of thanks to people who help you by nurturing their connection to you. Social media platforms are great for reminding us of birthdays, anniversaries and new jobs, so utilise this service by reaching out to those marking a special occasion. Don’t just use the pre-written text suggested by LinkedIn or other platforms. Personalise it. The recipient will remember your kindness, and you’ll develop that feel-good factor. 5. Invitations Invite people in your networks to visit other networks that you find valuable. If you’re learning, engaging, connecting and growing, why not share this opportunity with a friend, colleague or acquaintance? Jean Evans is the Founder of Network Me.

Sometimes it feels better to put off our work rather than diving into something difficult, overwhelming, or simply unenjoyable. Edel Walsh outlines how you can overcome your procrastination Do you find you leave your studies until the eleventh hour? When you sit down to study, do you spend more time organising your notes and desk than doing productive work?  One of the most common time management traps students fall into is the habit of procrastination.  In this article, I will look at what procrastination is, its causes, and how to overcome procrastination when it comes to your studies.  What is procrastination? Procrastination is the art of delaying or postponing an action, so there is a significant lapse between when you intend to do something and when you eventually do it. This can result in missed opportunities, missed deadlines, feelings of stress, frustration, and dissatisfaction.  Causes of procrastination There can be simple causes of procrastination, such as: the task appears overwhelming; the inability to prioritise; and a lack of skills and knowledge to complete the task. More complex reasons for procrastination include: a fear of failure; and  perfectionist tendencies. How to combat procrastination There are many ways to combat procrastination, and here are just a few. Reflect on your behaviour Start by writing down the reason why you are delaying the task. By reflecting on your behaviour and its causes, you can start to work on overcoming the challenge before you.  Break it down If the task appears overwhelming, break it down into small manageable chunks. As students, we often think of the end goal – the exams. This is called a performance goal.  However, a better approach is to think in terms of learning goals. A learning goal is where we focus on understanding and mastering one small element of the syllabus.  Reframe your self-talk It is also important to watch your self-talk. Sometimes, our internal dialogue can be negative, especially when we are under pressure or feeling stressed.  For example, you might tell yourself that you can’t pass the exam or that there is too much information for you to take in. Instead, reframe your self-talk by finding the one small step you can take to move forward in your studies.  Remind yourself of your strengths and your capabilities. Consider the times in the past when you were procrastinating on a task and what you did to overcome this. Pomodoro technique Limit yourself to short periods of work. For example, work on a task for 25 minutes and then take a five-minute break. This is known as the ‘Pomodoro’ technique.  During your break, take a few moments to reflect on what worked well for you in the 25 minutes of study. What have you learned? What else do you need to know for a better understanding of the topic?   “Eat the frog” Schedule time for the task, even to get a little bit done.  Sometimes, if we find a task overwhelming or complicated, we tend to avoid it and instead focus on the subjects and tasks we enjoy, or the topics we find easy.  A helpful technique to use is to “eat the frog”. When planning a study block, schedule the subjects you find difficult first and keep the easier subjects until the end.    Find a study partner Consider finding an accountability partner like a friend, colleague, or family member. This is someone who keeps you on track and helps you maintain progress on a task. Discuss the tasks you procrastinate on with your accountability partner and ask them to check your progress regularly. This increases motivation to complete the job. Procrastination is a habit The good news is that procrastination is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, and good habits can be made.  A helpful tool to use is the ‘Cue, Behaviour, Reward’ technique when building new habits.  The cue is a trigger that sets off our habitual routine. The behaviour is the action that comprises the habit. Finally, the reward is a tangible or intangible positive reinforcement for the behaviour.  Let’s take an example: Cue: If I start browsing social media instead of tackling my studies…  Behaviour: …then I will put my phone on aeroplane mode… Reward: …and take a deep, productive break once I have completed the task. Changing your habits We have seen that procrastination is a habit that can result in feelings of stress, overwhelm and disappointment. However, patterns can be changed. To change your practices, break the tasks into small manageable chunks, “eat the frog”, watch out for the negative self-talk, limit yourself to short work periods and find an accountability partner.  Edel Walsh is an academic performance coach. Her website is www.edelwash.ie, and her email is edel@edelwalsh.ie